Finding my Faith and loosing my Will….

There are times in this life, when we face things that honestly, we just do not know how to handle. Even as a Christian, a “Follower of Christ”, actually ESPECIALLY as a Christian these challenges enter our lives. They challenge us, they force us to face insurmountable odds that, in our own humanity, we simply do not have the ability to overcome. Be it physical, emotional, monetary, you name it. We as human beings, with all our “advancements and technology” have a ceiling that we just simply cannot exceed.

Our WILLpower is greater than our OWN power. And that is where we tend to loose sight of the greatest gift, that we abuse, and use as a hindrance and crutch. FREE-Will.

For us to honestly reach our full potential, we need to stop trying to be independent and self-reliant. This has been one of the greatest areas in life I personally struggle with. So determined to “Make it on my own”, “I don’t need anyone’s help”. Well, that’s simply not true. We were created in God’s image. And God, is a Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Working in perfect, flawless, union. It’s ….mind-shattering to comprehend, but..what of God is NOT mind-shattering? The Creator of ALL things, Time has no meaning, as He alone created it. Lives in and outside of it. I could honestly sit here and write on and on and on about how impossible it is for me to try to explain, TRYING to explain God lol! And to think, as a quote I once heard in a sermon once…”If you think the beauty of some of the scenery you have witnessed on this earth is beautiful, just wait till you reach Heaven, God has yet begun to show you what majestic tapestries He is capable of creating!”

But, to do walk those shores…yes, I say shores…don’t think you’ll be floating on clouds strumming harps lol. We need to submit our will, our wants, our desires, to the One who loves us, more than we even love ourselves. Cast off your cares and have faith, the God who has provided will continue to do so. Unfortunately, being human is no simple thing…we often get in our own way, thinking we can do things better, faster, more “effective”. And, He’ll let us, to a degree. So that we can learn. So that we can grow. So that we can gain the Faith to accept a humble heart.

It’s awe-inspiring to watch God move in someone’s life. I was privileged to be allowed to do so. She wanted NOTHING to do with God, Church, Religion, in ANY way. The anger and resentment she held….it was painful for even me to see. But I knew, Jesus had not given up on her. Just as He does not give up on any of us. He is the Good Shepard that will go searching for that one, lost sheep, wandering too close to the area the wolves hunt in. He has done that for me, on more occasions than I can recount. And time after time, I made a promise to myself, “I’ll do better this time”, “I won’t make THAT mistake again”….”I’ll go to church more often”, “I’ll participate in things…”, ect, ect, ect….and still, I would fail. Yet still, He would come and rescue me, who was stubborn, and unworthy. Clean me up, and restore me, and sometimes, yes….I would be “chastised”. But only out of love. A love that spans the ages of time and space. A love, that…He honestly allowed me to glimpse, for lack of better words. And I still have that memory, the feeling…it is like nothing I can never, nor will EVER be able to explain. A love so profound, so deep…laced with a sorrow that was so ancient, all I could do was fall to my knees in our neighbors yard, at 3am in the morning on a cold March morning.

I found my Faith that morning, and I gave up my Will….some may doubt, and the random atheist will laugh and make some “scientific” claim to “explain it” all. But as surely as I breath the breath that doctors told me nearly 11 yrs ago, I would not BE breathing 3 months from the lung biopsy they took. God had other plans for my life. And I will shout it from the rooftops! =)

The day the woman I spoke of was baptized…well, there just are no words. To see her rise up out of the water, a new creation, reborn in Christ. She had the glory of God about her, His love, mercy, and grace…without a doubt, it was one of the top 5 moments in my life. And I am ever thankful, He allowed me to be a part of it.

So, times may be difficult for you my friend. And the gathering clouds may be dark, but in our own strength…we WILL fail the attempt at getting through such storms. Give it ALL over to God, hold nothing back, there is NO burden, no pain, no problem that He can not get you through. Find your Faith….

Advertisements

Loosing more than unwanted weight..

It has been quite sometime, yes.  And as I would like to apologize, I feel doing so, would be in itself…ironic.  God has taken me down a path that I just did not see (as He tends to do to us a lot LOL!).  Allowing me to take a marvelous glimpse into all the “awesome” that has been “Me” over the past few months.  I have to say,repulsed…is an understatement.

It brings me to mind, an interview that was done on my “boi”, Cam Newton, it in the 2013, coming off of an EXCEPTIONAL Rookie year in the NFL, “SuperCam” just did not find himself living up to the “Hype” that the press and Sportscasters had built up for him.  Of course, the first year of any QB, your going to see some amazing things, the defense isn’t quite prepared for the new offensive schemes these young collegiate, all stars are showing them….the “Read Option” was a thing of wonder.  Cam broke, and MADE records!  He was an instant icon, giving the Panther’s their first taste of success since their (first) Superbowl appearance against the New England Patriots back in 2003.  Since then it was a downhill catastrophe, and no one gave the team half a thought.  Even die hard Carolinian’s wondered, will we EVER see those days again?  But I digress…back to my point.    

So, fast forward a decade or so, and SuperCam is on the scene taking the Carolina’s by storm.  But, all is not going so well, his attitude, disposition, temper, and lack luster bad sportsmanship is costing him severely on nationally televised games. “What happened to the Cam we all knew and loved??”  “Whose this jerk???”  “What a LET DOWN!”    During the off season, Cam’s family (Father and brother), pulled our struggling sports icon by the scruff of his neck and had a serious talking to.  Clearly that, the “coaching” of veteran Steve Smith, and the re-watching of old post game interviews let Cam see, what OTHERS were seeing.  A very insufferable, crabby, selfish, individual who had some growing up to do.

I didn’t have a brother, or “earthly” father to pull me aside, a veteran player (lol…sorry), or “old clips of myself to watch…I was blessed enough to have my Heavenly Father who in His unending Grace, loves us ALL get my attention.  I had the urging of the Holy Ghost, that abides in all who have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior to remind me….”This is not what being a true follower of Christ is…”.  

My personal trainer works with me every morning, He’s keeping me in shape, He’s there for me anytime.  His schedule is always open.  All He asks is I “Trust”.  

Hillsong UNITED

If you need words…I don’t know what to tell you, just let God speak to your heart my friend, and you will find the answer to every question you never knew you always wanted to ask but were to afraid, to prideful, to stubborn, to angry, to …*Fill in your own blank*..

Muse blues…

Image

If I had a nickle every time I got a smile from an attractive woman, I would be quite well-off.  I would be the “rich guy” that those very same women would shed their panties for in hopes of “landing daddy big bucks”, But you can keep the smiles, and the panties, because honestly if it only takes some Tooth Whitener for you to get my attention, and me flashing a few bills to get you out of your clothes, you really have to wonder at what point did society legalize social prostitution.

I had…no, correction…sorry.  I thought I had something real, something tangible, the elusive “Soulmate” we spend a lifetime searching for, and seconds loosing.  Going over in my head, I search, and question and ask, myself, God…anyone who care’s to talk about it…..where did I go wrong?  How much more could I have given?  Honestly, I’m beginning to think I could have sold my soul to Satan himself, and she would have wanted dib’s on that.  Enough was never enough.  There was a point where I lost my own identity for months, and I claimed I did this for “Love”….no, LOL.  Love is not giving everything of yourself, while someone else continuously takes, and takes, and just when you think you have nothing left to give….they ask, no….tell you, if you are to continue to be with me, to marry me, my child will have to stay in this state where her father is.  Hey are you (the reader) remembering…I have 2 of my own?  Ya…back down South…b’c the “plan” was, to move up, help her sell said house, she fight for custody (it would not have been difficult) I mean, she “said” she wanted out of that state, out of the cold, away from anything and everything…bah, I’m sure you know the speech.  Yet…when just as that voice in my head continuously, and KEPT TELLING ME….“this female ain’t goin nowhere”,  save yourself the trouble (a cherished car in the long run /sigh) and take yer ass back home dawg..

 

They say hindsight is 20/20….apparently, not only am I blind, but I am a deaf son of a bitch as well…

Image

 

So, now I sit here…thinking…fuming more like it.  Angry, hurt, upset…more emotions than medication LOL, and if you know me, you know how funny that ACTUALLY is.  Today she was at a “Women’s Retreat”…she had time to “text me” to let me know she was “sneaking home to let the dog out for a walk…yeeet…not to call?  I sent a brief message, and asked.  It was just a few days ago, she and I had yet another…heated discussion if you will.  She feels she does not have to “deal with me when I *get like this* anymore”….get like what?  Hurt that you post shit about us not being together to people you know on Facebook and Instagram?  Yet…its like pulling raw meat from a starving wild animal to get her to call or spend time with me?  LOL.  Ya I guess I expect entirely TOO fucking much there!   So, as she let me know she was on a call w/her “roommate from college”…wtfever…(are you beginning to notice my doubt is at a level of laughable now?)  I simply stated that, my disposal to her when she felt the “need” to have a security blanket….the times when her 5yr old daughter was at daddys (like this weekend….convenient), her not going out w/her “friends” and refusing to call me or answer the phone….WHO DOES THIS??  Those asinine things I was ALLOWING…are discontinued.

And yes, I feel much better, I know there is a real woman, not a selfish child with limited growth and unlimited selfishness who will value the love and adoration I have to give.

 

So, forgive my absence my readers…the few of you that have been kind enough to grace my pages…but, someone had to be set straight on who I am, not what they thought I was.

Lookin for lov…er, Lust?

Image

 

So, I’m a guy, 150%+ to infinity, lol!  I love women, the shape, smell (showered preferably), feel..you name it.  It’s not so much a “sexual” thing, moreso…I love the way God created them.  Physically anyway lol ><

Some of them have curves that remind me of an amazing stretch of mountainous road.  Beautifully sweeping curves, slight hills that make your stomach flip, and peaks that are some of the most amazing sights known to man.   Some are rounded and built like a timeless hourglass,  and you can spend all day watching the time tick by admiring the curves, the way her outfit accentuates her figure.  And there are others who are a bit, healthier…in the areas that some men would shy away from…I will never comprehend why society has deemed that a woman is not “beautiful” unless she is an 80lb wet noodle…/boogle.  God created these wonders as a “help meet” for our sorry tails, and we have the ever loving audacity to be CHOOSY??  LOL!! WOW!   I dated a “full figure” woman for quite sometime, and let me tell you, she was by far, the classiest, sexiest, most elegant individual I was graced to have the pleasure to make the acquaintance of for QUITE sometime…. but I digress, a woman is more than the sum of her parts.  The inner tick is where you should click.  Without that, well, your lovely “Sheena of the Jungle” will be looking to climb the nearest tree in an attempt to flee your masochistic advances!

Image

 

 

Now, my issue is…I feel as though, I don’t really know WHAT it is I want, in (if there truly will be) my future partner.  I have dated the classic blonde…whose IQ was lower than Mitt Romney’s popularity, after he left his campaign helpers to fend for themselves in our nations last elections.

Image

My most recent relationship, featured a woman of great intelligence.  Being around her was akin to carrying a personal Dictionary / Thesaurus around with me wherever I went.  However, when it came to social media, in the whose who of who, she would sooner confuse Kevin Hart for Eddie Murphy.  However…she had a body, boy oh boy did she ever (and still does).  We were to be wed in about a week, so, if you notice my posts a little, depressive, cryptic, hopeless…Because, loosing your soulmate, the thing I forever REFUSED to believe in, is such an easy thing to get over.  Said no one ever.

So, now I am at a point, where do I turn for “companionship”, and by that, please do not think I’m referring to the one night stand.  I am referring to, the person I use to spend the entirety of my evenings with, lounging on the couch, watching The Walking Dead, making meals for, going to first release showings (when we didn’t have her 4yr old).  Oh, I forgot to mention, she has a 4yr old.  I am 43.  Are you beginning to see the problems that arose?  My children are grown, one in college pursuing her education and dreams, the other is going into her freshman year in High School.   Stay with me, if it’s not clear yet, I think it will be soon LOL.  I was not at all prepared to deal with the things that I had forgotten I had to deal with in my children and now put up with hers.

Image

I don’t want to! 

So, for months, this is what I had to “relearn” to deal with.  She was a good kid, but…she was not “my” good kid.  And when she wasn’t a good kid, she was “that child”…

I suppose had I REALLY thought the whole thing through thoroughly, I would not have made that move.  But when your in lus..er, love with someone, looking to get the hell up out of mom’s, and the medical (completely different topic) is so much better.  You don’t really stop to think things through as rational as you would say…If you had your own place.  I digress.  Mornings were often times rather…well, much louder than I was or wanted to be accustomed to.  I could also not:

1.  Watch the movies I wanted to watch that normally I never thought about, due to “graphic content” and a 4yr old running around.

2.  Play the Console/PC titles I wanted to play, WHEN I wanted to play…(same above reason)

3.  I could not turn the Surround Sound on my speaker system which I loved so dearly

4.  I had to leave the area when I was on the phone, b’c “mom” wouldn’t remind said rugrat that being loud was rude when someone          was on the phone.

5.  I had to deal with hearing about “daddy”, and how awesome he was (far from it).  To be fair, in a 4yr old’s eyes, a dog pooping while running is      awesome (proven btw)

6.  I had to realize day in and out, that this is what I chose, love.  When the person I chose to be with, frankly told me in no uncertain terms, she would have never have done such a thing.  (I felt so much better after hearing that lol)

7.  Oh, why go on…I think you (the reader) is getting my point….so I did what any rational man would do in my case.

Image

Our “breakup” was in no way pretty, or heartfelt.  Is was more like me wishing she, and the entire state she lived in, would go back to the abyss of hell it spawned from.  However, after much thought, and deep thinking…I honestly DO miss her mother.  She drank,…quite a bit, but hell, who doesn’t have a vice to get them through shit life throws at you over the years?  She was the ONLY person who realized, me flying back home, would mean about as much as the garbage man coming a day early to my 13yr old.  Just more work, and another hassle.  As I look back on many things, (things I will go into further detail later) I am glad for the experience.  I set someone else’s life on a new path, if you will.  And if that was the single most important thing I did, I know in my heart, that that one thing is going to change the lives of those others she comes in contact with.  So, I guess I got my “Happy Ending”.

Bumps in the Road of Life, when Faith takes a backseat…

Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?

How does one get past events in their lives, that will forever shape who they are….how they think, how they feel, how they react, and their view on this psychotic merry-go-round we call life?  Up to each and everyone of us to decide that one for ourselves… I know my first real encounter with such a thing, hit all too close to home.

We opened the door to Roland’s house…and immediately, the odor hit me, it was like nothing I ever smelled.  I knew something was not right, how could it be?  I had waited outside of his house, banging
on the front door for nearly an hour plus.  Shadow, his dog, was in the house, so clearly….he was home.  Stephanie and I searched the downstairs frantically, calling out his name, but to no avail.  I looked in the kitchen, Shadow’s dog food and water bowl were empty, and had appeared to be empty for quite sometime.  My stomach was clenching, my chest was about to explode as my heart raced frantically.  I tried calming myself down, but every sign pointed to something was just NOT right with this entire situation.  Steph told me to wait down here, she was going to check upstairs.  I was just coming around the corner from the kitchen to the living room when I heard the scream that still haunts me to this day.  I don’t remember getting up the steps, the steps that I had walked so many times when I moved in with my best friend, of 23 years.  My friend, who was not just a friend, but my brother.  Someone who had been there for me when it seemed everyone else in my life had either had too many things going on in their own, or couldn’t get involved with the troubles I was going through.  A brother who opened his doors to me when my wife at that time and I were going through our separation, and I had no one to turn to, and no place to go.  The god-father of our children.  A person who was not just a “best friend”, but an integral part of the family.  Our children looked forward to him visiting for dinner when he himself went through his own separation.  As I turned the corner, and walked into his “play room” as he always called it….I couldn’t really see anything, it was too dark.  We both reached frantically for the light switch, and fumbled for it, but it refused to turn.  Looking back on it afterwards….I will tell you why.  We had been blessed that God provided that miracle, that angel to hamper our attempts.  The only thing I could make out…that we could both see, was the lifeless body of my beloved brother, my best friend Roland lying lifelessly on the floor.  I was stunned, I couldn’t move, I could scarcely breath, no thought of rationality ….just simple, searing pain as tears streamed unchecked.  My faith shattered, my trust in my God gone.
He had already “taken” so much from me.  Born with Sickle O-Arab.  I was in and out of hospitals, at the age of 23 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, so I underwent Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments.   Only to receive the side effects of Pulmonary Hypertension which are the hardening of the lungs.  Avascular Fibrosis in my right leg, which led to a hip replacement.  It seemed like God was allowing random events of catastrophe to rain down on me.  Yet, had I not been a faithful servant?  Had I NOT been attending church?  Bringing my family, raising my 2 children in the church as I was commanded to do as a christian father?  And THIS was the reward for doing as I was commanded?!?!  It was at this point, I was done….finished.

Trying to hear "The Voice" in a sea of sound

The ultimate price of Free Will

Trying to hear "The Voice" in a sea of sound

A Holistic Journey

Finding my way back out of motherhood -- while mothering

Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy.

Some mistakes are too good not to share